New years Eve is always a odd time for me. A time to look back and a time to look forward too. Looking back it seems a long time ago that I nervously made my first post to this blog, but in fact it's only 4 months. In that short time I've documented pretty well all the things that have happened to me on the medical front. I've met some amazingly kind people in the health service, and no doubt I'll meet many more as the operation time draws closer. One should never generalise, but the people who have cared from me - and I used those words advisedly - have been truly a credit to the NHS. Everyone, from my GP onwards has seemed to take a personal interest in my health, and it's a reassuring thought that such people are around. I dare say that none of them will ever read this, but at least I'm making the statement.



Looking forward: Well, there's a thing! After having half of my life restricted by heart disease, I'm really looking forward to a time when I can just go for a walk without wondering if I can make it up that hill, or thinking that I have to get back and it's just as far and will I be able to do it? Only last winter my wife had to rush home to get the car because of a terrific angina attack just around the corner from our house, certainly less that a quater of a mile, but I just couldn't take another step. I really thought that I might croak at that time, and my wife was scared to leave me to get the car. It really was one of those dire situations that it's impossible to predict and whatever decision was made could have been wrong. Fortunately she made the right one, and I got into the car and was driven home - all 250 yards of the way. I'm hoping that this sort of thing will be in the past.



I suppose there will be pain. After all they are going to cut open my chest and so on, but at least they are going to do something, and I can take the pain if I get the benefit.

2008 might be a very good year indeed !

It's Christmas Eve. At long last it's here. The shops have closed (Thank Goodness) and we're all set for the main event. I went to the hospital this afternoon to the Diabetc Clinic, it being six weeks since my last visit. Great news! In spite of not taking the Roziglitazone my long term test shows a slight improvement. The last time I was there it was 7.6, which was pretty good but this time it's down to 7.5. The target level is 7 dead, which is aparently ideal. I'm told that it can be done if I increse my dose of Gliclacide to two a day, so obviously I'm doing that from today

Trust

I’ve been thinking this past few days about trust. It’s a funny feeling to literally place your life in someone else’s hands, someone you have never even exchanged a word with. I know Mr Cale has a brilliant reputation and I’m not getting cold feet about the op – well, not much – but he’s going to deliberately stop my heart to do the job, and that’s pretty final if by some chance it won’t start again, after all, in America, that’s how they execute people!

So trust is pretty important. I do trust him, after all, he’s done the op over 400 times, but there is that niggling doubt. What if he’s had an argument with his wife, a parking or a speeding ticket? What if he’s got a hangover, or maybe is just having a bad day, I mean – it must happen, it sure as hell happens to me, and to everyone I know. Trust could go out the window then.

All that said, its Christmas, a time for families. I’m going to be with mine this year, and we won’t be doing much socialising. After all, if it all goes wrong – and it could, 4 people in every hundred either don’t survive the op or die shortly afterwards – it might be my last one with them. Time with them is very precious just at the moment.

It’s a become a cliché to say that “there are no atheists in foxholes”. I’ve never really professed to be one, I simply can’t get my head around religion as a whole. I never will, I don’t think, and I lack the faith that my brother has, but this year some of the carols that my wife and I have sung had some very real resonances for me.

Since I started this blog I've always tried to be truthful in what I write, what's the point in anything else? But it sometimes quite hard to lay your innermost feelings out for public display. The blog is also to help work things out in my own mind, and it definately helps there, so I suppose it's worthwhile, but by gum, I'll be glad when the operation's done with and I'm writing about the recovery and convalescence!

The Letter

Well, it's here. I got home today and went through the post and there it was. A sort of anonymous brown envelope addressed to me with "in confidence" written in the window part. I knew even before opening it that it was from Castle Hill. So, it seems I have to go through to Hull on the 9th of January for a pre op assessment and to check i haven't got any infection(s). I think this must be to check for MRSA a so called superbug that is resistant to anti-biotics and is frequently picked up in hospital. I'm pretty sure that I'm ok, though one can never really tell until after the test, but it's nice to know that they take such care.

From what I understand the actual operation will be withing the next couple of weeks from the 9th, so it's all systems go now. I'm really quite relieved to get the letter as i was just starting to wonder if something had gone wrong and I was going to be delayed for longer. Anyway, it looks like next year will be pretty momentous, in one way or another. I'm looking forward to spring!

I had a rough night last night. Lots of Angina pain and little relief from it. The spray seems pretty useless and the only cure seems to be to sit up. It's not easy doing that without waking my wife, so tonight I'm going to sleep in the spare room. I'm not looking forward to that - after 36 years together I'm kind of used to having my lady alongside and I'll miss her, but I think it's better this way, she looked absolutely whacked this morning, but she still went off to work.

I keep looking at the post when i get home myself, hoping there will be a letter from Hull asking me to come through for the pre op tests and so on, but none so far. The waiting is starting to get to both of us a bit now. I know my wife is worried about me and we both collect the post as quickly as possible when we arrive home. I'm getting pretty fed up of hearing from mailshots of how DFS are having there last sale of the year (but the new year sale will start on Boxing day - mark my words) and how there are unmissable bargains to be had. Oh well, if i wanted a new dining suite or something, at least I'd know where to find it.

I think we both just need to hear from Hull now. September, when I started this blog seems a long time ago now.

Another new month...

So now I can say (hopefully) that the op should be next month. I hope it is, then I'll be recuperating in the spring period, the time of year I love best. I'm so looking forward to being able to go for walks and so on in the spring sunshine, what a treat that will be.

Its amazing how my mouth isn't sore at all today. I was pretty impressed with the dentist yesterday, today I'm more so. Well, now I'm all ready. I'm only waiting for the letter, the worries about whether my mouth problems would hold back the operation have gone and I really feel that progress is being made